Sometimes in therapy sessions, someone will apologize for simply being human.
For expressing human emotions. Human reactions. The human condition.
While we discuss complex topics, they might cry…and apologize.
While they express frustration in a relationship, they might get angry…and apologize.
While telling a story from childhood, they might get anxious and shut down…and apologize.
The number one rule in my office is this: We NEVER apologize for how we feel.
It’s a difficult rule because it goes against the norms and expectations of the world around us. Our society dis-incentivizes the free expression of our feelings. Our society has different rules.
Outside of a therapeutic setting, we are rarely encouraged to explore the full depths of our emotions. So when we do, we tend to apologize and correct ourselves.
How many of us have asked a friend to hold space for us and started with, "I'm sorry, but I just need to vent."
Or even in a therapist's office, a place specifically designed as a haven for free expression and exploration of feelings, how many of us have turned and apologized to our therapist for whatever we're emoting?
I find that this usually occurs when someone no longer restrains themselves and is – what I call – just being.
We often think we need permission to "just be.” And if we aren't first granted permission by a loved one, or in this case, a therapist, we apologize when we snap back into restrictive mode and realize we’ve been emoting freely.
Far too often, almost every time, these apologies come from people of color and women in high positions of authority – whether professionally or in their households.
Most believe that, as a black man, “I can't be hypermasculine because that might impact my physical safety.”
Or, “I better be masculine enough, or else my emotional safety will be at risk.”
“I can't be the statistic.” Or “I must meet this standard.” And so on, and so on.
Given society’s rules and restrictions governing how we can display our emotions, it’s no wonder people have trouble reconciling them with how to show up in the world.
Am I merely collateral to the world's restrictions and expectations, and what society projects onto me?
Am I the product of the experiences I’ve survived or enjoyed?
Or am I someone who shows up exactly as the person I want to be?
Some struggle with the burden of assuming roles that the world says aren't traditionally for them. They apologize for releasing their expertise – using their brilliance to save us all – and then apologize for being the savior.
They can't be too smart, too strong, too this, or too that. They must navigate the world under the pressure of what society says they should be while being strong enough to clean up the mess of broken men.
It's extremely difficult for anyone to grow or develop in these conditions.
So, what can we do?
It starts with providing ourselves and others a space for self-exploration. We must allow for emotional reconciliation and expression if we are to learn and grow as people.
We must cultivate more spaces to embrace the human condition – spaces to just be.
Be good to yourself
PL